It feels like a completely different week....

It's been a week...a whole week and I have been UP...and down...and around...and down. You know those crazy rides at the carnival that swing you out, spin you around fast and bring you back? I have felt like I have been swung out and pulled back in over and over again but without the popcorn and cotton candy to go with all the fun.

Of course I'm lying about the fun part but this is all the learning part of life and learning is not all fun. I am almost 46 years old and I learn something every day. I learn about myself, I learn about my children, I learn what I'd do better, I learn what I think I did JUST FINE! Yes, there are somethings...I am willing to say now, I did the best I could and I could not do it any differently with what I was given.

One thing I am trying to overcome now is this sheepishness about allowing myself to be angry and letting  that be felt. I am constantly worried about making sure that there is this peace, and not stepping on toes, etc. I forget it's okay for me to be angry and hurt. If there being barrier right now it is a consequence of my feelings, then maybe I need to let that be felt. Perhaps that sting needs to be realized, not deliberately but I have to quit trying to mend because that is what is tearing me up. I am constantly trying to fix, trying to repair, trying to help and it does NOTHING! NOTHING! NOTHING! Well it does something, right now it just hurts me, right now it just angers me and right now it alienates me. It is unwanted, unappreciated, un-noticed...for now. I said I wasn't going to attempt to help and yet, I try to keep the lines of communication open. I guess I do that because I don't want to ever think of my child completely lost from my life forever.

So if I am going to a carnival of emotions, I rather it be a fun one. I want the corn dogs, the funnel cakes, the giant diet cokes and the super salty popcorn. I'll pass on the wild rides but I can sit back and enjoy the rest of my family while they get on those and have a great time because they love those crazy things. We need a break from the unexpected, unwanted, unfortunate, un-asked for "take a seat" NOW in THIS roller coaster! It will be nice to be able to pick and choose what we want to do, and what rides we'd like to go on.

Without a doubt I want to include EACH and every one of my children in my life but for now, I am coming to terms with the fact that one of them wants this separation and I will give it to her. I give myself permission to let go emotionally. (doesn't mean I won't have to remind myself of that 1000 times)

Funnel cake sounds good on a rainy day, doesn't it. Doesn't exactly fit with any New Year's resolutions I may have or may not have made... but just the thought is a sweet one to have and I can certainly use those.