I sit at stop lights some times and I wonder if people ever look to their side and wonder what in the world that "crazy lady" is bawling about. I try to get it out of my system before I get home so no one will really see just how much I do it. I am grateful for the quiet hours when I am all alone where I can space out and look out the window and just cry silently, pray silently and wish silently. Sometimes I wretch because the emotion is just overwhelming and I can't hold it in...because I just don't know what to do.
I am lost between this strange space. There is this place between knowing there is nothing else you can do but yet you don't want your child to feel like you don't love them, and you have shut the door on them forever. I just can't help anymore. Who was it in the Alamo that drew the line in the sand? I keep reminding myself over and over and over that these choices our children make as adults are theirs. My child, seemed almost deliberate in her desire to do what she could to have someone push her away so we could be blamed.
So I sit and feel this home that feels this weird sense of peace but my heart hurts and my emotions are in knots. I don't know if I will bury her someday. I say that not to be melodramatic but she came close before and when I look at what options she has now, I don't know if I could feel some hope or see a solution. I tried to think of one for her, and when she was here, we tried to help her with things but she wants her own path. I want it to lead to success but I am frightened for her.
As I clean up the mess she left for me, the literal garbage that litters her room I wonder where she went, my child. I know there before me went I. I made mistakes, I screwed up and had to "find my way". It was never to this extent but I struggled. It has made me sad for the terrible pain I must have caused my parents. I had no idea it hurt this much. Sometimes I wonder I what I signed up for and she is only the first.
My husband and I agreed to "let it go" no matter the mess, no matter what we found...just to "let it go". I am trying to stick to that but it's hard. When she was 14 and made a terrible mistake, I went in her bedroom and literally threw all her stuff away and regretted it ever sense. I find myself doing that again now but only because she left it as garbage, like trash every where. The things I thought she liked, wanted and needed, are left behind. The things that I believe are truly sentimental to her, I am setting aside and putting away because I do love her and someday she may want those special things. The rest of it, I guess it is as she left it...garbage.
In some ways I am left feeling like there has been the sacrifice of one of my children to save the rest. This is the part that has been the single hardest thing for me to do. She removed herself on her own but I have had to do it in my heart to survive it you might say. I have to protect the rest of the family so we can go on and get through this and not continue to be hurt by one crisis after another, by one manipulation after another by one lie after another. I told her before she left this was it. She is not coming home, not to call seeking anything and if she lands herself in another situation trying to manipulate me into "coming to her rescue" I won't. It took a very long time to get HERE but I cannot rush to her aid anymore. She has to do this on her own, no matter how hard it may be.
The anger that is pushed way down deep inside my soul might help give me the strength to stand straight and not feel the urge to collapse. I do feel angry, I do feel hurt...I do feel taken advantage of, we all do. This affected each and every one of us in our home and how she could ever think it didn't was so incredibly selfish of her. If I could tap in to that at this time perhaps it might push me ahead and I'd not feel such a mess. I know time will work all this out and we will all get "there"...where "there" is, is the unknown for now.
I am much better sometime at writing my feelings and painting pictures with words than I am at speaking. So this is why I am starting this blog. I need a place to vent. I am not searching for "I am sorry", or "what can I do?" because I am sorry too, not for me, but for my daughter. Her life is gonna suck for a really long time and IF she survives it, she will amazing, but if she doesn't, then I have prepared myself for that. I hate it but I have. There is NOTHING, anyone can do about that, except say a prayer for her because she will need all she can get.
Off to empty buckets of tears and to clean up more garbage and wash clothes for Goodwill and see how life unfolds.
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